This was written by somebody else and I don’t have the time to edit it myself. I gave the original writer several ammendments, that were not adequately met on revision. This was my list of ammendments:
Secondly, I think the essay needs a stronger line of argument. An idea or theme that you can argue for. Such as women’s movements are best understood as encompassing the spheres of production and reproduction because the majority of women’s movements are pushing against patriarchal oppression. Patriarchy is present in the authority of men and subjugation of women in both the reproductive and productive sphere. Thus to dismantle women’s subordination in both, patriarchy becomes a target for women’s movements. That to say, I would really appreciate it if there was a greater focus, throughout the essay, on discussing a specific argument, answering the essay question.
Thirdly, in terms of the historical context, I think quite a few examples provided, need to be elaborated on. I think the essay needs to be more specific – such as when you mention the ‘early movements’ – what were the early movements? And if you could be more descriptive of the women’s movements you’re mentioning – obviously don’t go into too much detail but a sentence or two elaborating on what the Women’s Social and Political Union did to achieve these rights? Or what were the dramatic shifts in reproductive rights in the legal landscape?
Still in regard to the historical context, would you possibly be able to embed this context into the paragraphs making the arguments? If it doesn’t all fit, that’s okay. But I think it would give the essay a nice flow if the historical context was embedded throughout – only being touched upon when relevant to the overall argument.
I’m sure this will come naturally while giving the essay more of a theme but structuring it thematically, with stronger links between sections and paragraphs, would also be preferable please.
I’m sorry, I know that’s quite a lot of amendments. I really appreciate the amount of work you’ve done on the essay so far. But I think these amendments would help the essay fit better for purpose. I hope that’s all okay. Please let me know if you need anymore information. Thank you for all of your hard work so far.’