Is AI-Driven Personalized Learning the Key to Achieving a Utopian Educational Environment in High Schools?

2) Introducing and explaining the first evidence (one source)

3) Transition to another evidence from another source 
4) Introducing and explaining the second evidence
5) Concluding the paragraph and its contribution to thesis statement
The sources which was used for the essay:

6. Sargent,
L. T. (2010). Utopianism: A very short introduction. Oxford
University Press.
If it is needed more sources can be added or the old ones can be replaced by the new ones, there is no restrictions regarding the number of sources, but there has to be at least 5.
Now I will provide the comments from my teacher on my first draft:
Comments and parts: 

1) Nowadays Artificial Intelligence is being used almost in every field. Consequently, the field of education has not gone unnoticed and has been impacted by AI as well. In education, AI is utilized to make various tasks, however, this paper is dedicated to AI-driven personalized learning in making the utopian educational environment. – Comment: analyze further “Open Learner Models (OLMs), represent a student’s knowledge, skills or resource requirements and they help teachers and students understand their performance and its assessment” (R.Luckin,2017, par. 9) – Comment: Explain evidence(Remember to balance each example with a clear explanation of how it supports your thesis.)
 2) “This data can be analyzed and used to create an OLM to: (1) help teachers understand their students’ approach to learning to shape their future teaching appropriately, and (2) help motivate students by enabling them to track their own progress and encouraging them to reflect on their learning.”- Comment: Explain evidence(Remember to balance each example with a clear explanation of how it supports your thesis.)
3) “Perhaps the metaphor of a human tutor has run its course. While a human tutor often works one-on-one, for a specific duration, and in constrained spaces, interactive learning environments can be collaborative, omnipresent, and portable. Simply speaking, ILE have unique affordances that human tutors do not, and the next generation of systems should leverage those affordances to support learning anytime, anywhere, by anyone.” – long quote not really explaining much
4) Before
arguing on how AI-driven personalized learning would establish the utopian
education environment it is vital to understand what is AI-driven personalized
learning. AI-driven personalized learning – is a model of learning, where the
AI accustomed to students’ learning pace, needs, and possibilities and gives a
personalized plan for studying. Such a model provides a plan where the student
is engaged in the learning process while fulfilling the requirements of the
study plan. This affects not only the learners but the teachers who are being
freed from most of the administrative tasks and given more time to dedicate for
students. – Support with evidence
5) The authors suggest that the ILE’s are striving to achieve the same level as
the personalized human tutoring. – citation needed
6) “Indeed,
much interactive learning environment (ILE) papers show improvements in
efficiency by demonstrating similar learning gains in a reduced amount of time
“(Roll & Wyllie, 2016, par. 2) – Explain evidence(Evaluate your evidence in this section. Be sure you have included sufficient evidence to support each point and that you have thoroughly explained how each point supports your thesis)