This was written by somebody else and I don’t have the time to edit it myself. I gave the original writer several ammendments, that were not adequately met on revision. This was my list of ammendments:
‘Hiya, I have a few amendments if that’s okay? Firstly, I think there needs to be quite a few more direct quotes embedded within the text. I usually use a minimum of three direct quotes per paragraph, but for the most part, I use more than that. If you want to get a feel for how I usually do it, you can have a look at the documents I attached to the brief as examples of my own work. They can be just one word or a whole sentence, but I would really appreciate it if you could put some more in there.
Secondly, I think the essay needs a stronger line of argument. An idea or theme that you can argue for. Such as women’s movements are best understood as encompassing the spheres of production and reproduction because the majority of women’s movements are pushing against patriarchal oppression. Patriarchy is present in the authority of men and subjugation of women in both the reproductive and productive sphere. Thus to dismantle women’s subordination in both, patriarchy becomes a target for women’s movements. That to say, I would really appreciate it if there was a greater focus, throughout the essay, on discussing a specific argument, answering the essay question.
Thirdly, in terms of the historical context, I think quite a few examples provided, need to be elaborated on. I think the essay needs to be more specific – such as when you mention the ‘early movements’ – what were the early movements? And if you could be more descriptive of the women’s movements you’re mentioning – obviously don’t go into too much detail but a sentence or two elaborating on what the Women’s Social and Political Union did to achieve these rights? Or what were the dramatic shifts in reproductive rights in the legal landscape?
Still in regard to the historical context, would you possibly be able to embed this context into the paragraphs making the arguments? If it doesn’t all fit, that’s okay. But I think it would give the essay a nice flow if the historical context was embedded throughout – only being touched upon when relevant to the overall argument.
I’m sure this will come naturally while giving the essay more of a theme but structuring it thematically, with stronger links between sections and paragraphs, would also be preferable please.
And finally, if I send you two more links to readings, would you mind adding them into the essay. I think I need at least two more readings from the reading list, present in the essay.
I’m sorry, I know that’s quite a lot of amendments. I really appreciate the amount of work you’ve done on the essay so far. But I think these amendments would help the essay fit better for purpose. I hope that’s all okay. Please let me know if you need anymore information. Thank you for all of your hard work so far.’
I’m sorry, I know that’s quite a lot of amendments. I really appreciate the amount of work you’ve done on the essay so far. But I think these amendments would help the essay fit better for purpose. I hope that’s all okay. Please let me know if you need anymore information. Thank you for all of your hard work so far.’
That to say, after recieving the ‘ammended’ essay, I felt as though the majority of those ammendments were not completed. The essay desperately needs organising, a much stronger argument, the embedding of multiple quotes per paragraph and it also seems that productive and reproductive spheres require defining. And all of the statements that they have made in this essay, require references to back up the statement. There is also the issue of the word count, it is supposed to be 3,000 or 3,300 as the absolute maximum and it’s currently only just over 3,300. I will attach the essay and previous essays I have written so that this will give you an idea of how I’d like this essay to look, in terms of strength of argument, structure and the embedding of quotes, after it’s been editted. If you decide you’d like to edit/re-write this for me, I will send you all the relevant readings etc on chat and anything else you may require – as this essay specifically requires 8 readings from my module. However, I think that the bibliography and text already have 8 of those readings in there but I will double check. I usually get firsts in my essays and so if you’re confident that you can produce that standard of work, using what’s already in this essay, I will be more inclined to choose you to write the essay.